Surprise!!!

It's not the kind of surprise where a pair of perky titties jump out of a cake.  No, this is like a shit sandwich.  Or, for you running tards who are really getting into the swing of things, a milestone.

If you've never run a 5K before, now is your chance.  This Sunday, at a time of your choosing, you are going to run 3.1 miles.  Best part?  You don't get a medal for it.  You're not running for cystic fibrosis or lupus or AIDS or explosive West Nile with a side of SARS.  So what do you do to celebrate your accomplishment?

You should ALWAYS have something encouraging at the end of a triumph, even if you've done it 9 times before.  Me?  I have a fruit infused beer.  Before you call me a fag, it's like wine, champagne, and beer mixed into one epic drink...and it costs $14 per bottle.  But, I earned it, so fuck you as I say with a giant 7-incher in my gob!  What should you do?  Smoke a nice thick stogie, get a blow job (or the female equivalent) and just sit there, have a craft beer, grill a huge fucking t-bone and be sure to cook it no more done than medium-rare, go to the tittie bar and make it rain.  Celebrate in a way to make it special for YOU.  It's your fucking accomplishment and don't pussy foot around.  Live.  It.  Up.

Schedule: In case you need a reminder you addle-minded simpletons, Friday: REST
Saturday: 25 minute run/walk
Sunday: 3.1 miles - I don't care how you do it, just finish!

Next week it's nothing but distance!

Two last things for a final thought: how the fuck do you track 3.1 miles without equipment?  Google maps + Google labs (the gear looking thing in the top right corner) + Distance Measurement Tool.  Lay it out to 3.1 and go do it.  Final thought?  Go fuck yourself and congratulations, you mongoloid bastards.

Water, water everywhere

Little did you retards now, water is a poison.  True story.

You make it a point to bring a bottle of dihydrogen monoxide with you on your jaunts, whether it's a lowly 25 minutes or a lowly 3 miles.  Awesome!  This is a good way to keep your innards moist and your body hydrated.  Then you go home and chug an entire gallon to balance things out and rid your body of toxins, free radicals, and semen.  You're very likely to feel a little fucked up about an hour later.  You brush it off and think you're just tired from your "run."  I say "run" because this is soon going to be the bare minimum you'll be expected to do starting next week.  Don't ignore this feeling!  You're going to die.

Water is known as the universal solvent.  Everything dissolves.  This includes the shit inside your body that actually needs to be there in a reasonably undiluted state especially sodium.  This imbalance in electrolytes in your body is going to kill you.  Now you're asking me, "WHAT THE BALLOCKING FUCK DO I DO?!?!"

Well, don't piss yourself over it.  Oh, wait.  YES!  Piss yourself!  It's the best way for fluids to leave your body.  Nothing more and nothing less.  In the event of extreme water intake, a diuretic can help or call poison control.  Keep your feet on the pavement, assholes...it's a much better alternative than using your face to run.

Are you serious?

I mean it.  Are you serious?  Serious about what you're doing, is what I mean.

For example, how many people have you told that you are training for a marathon?  If you told even a single one: you are a marathoner.  Have you started looking at running blogs (besides this one) for tips and tricks and how to improve your running style?  You are a marathoner.  Have you gone shoe shopping specifically for running shoes and did you tell the 17-year old fuckknob you needed them because were training for a marathon?  You are a marathoner.

If you are not this serious after the first month.  It's time to rethink your approach.  Hate running?  What's the problem?  If you run the same pattern everyday, you're going to burn out.  Take a new route, get some new scenery under your eyeballs, keep the brain busy.  Feet hurt?  You HAVE to keep going to build up the tolerance.  It's going to hurt.  Can't find the time?  Wake up early and hit the pavement before it gets hotter than Satan's taint or wait until it's a little darker and try a moonlit run in a lighted area...you know, so you don't get raped...unless you're into that thing.

You've got some very auspicious goals this week.  You're going to do something monumental, at least if it's nothing you've ever done before, but I'll tell you Thursday or Friday.  This weekend is going to be fucking HUGE for you retards.

Monday: REST

Tuesday: 25 minute walk/run (last week of this, then we go for distance all the time, every time)

Wednesday: 40 minute walk/run (more walk than run)

Thursday: 25 minute walk/run

Friday: REST

P.S. I reread the last post...  fuck these typos.  I'm so sorry for making you read that.

Substitute activites

Imagine this...CLOSE YOUR FUCKING EYES, COCKBITE...  You just built the Great Wall of China.  That mess of concrete, human remains, and unicorn tears can be seen from motherfucking SPACE.  Your notice on your smartphone tells you that you are do for your cardio exercise in 15 minutes.  First off, you should be impressed with how white you are, you alabaster gods and godesses...you've got a device that tells you when to do cardio...  Second off, you just completed the construction of on of the greatest manmade structures in human history.  You are NOT about to run/walk any distance after THAT.  A masked rapist wielding a rusted rake and a chainsaw could be coming for you and you will not be bothered to more one micrometer.

You know what?

That's cool.  Why, you ask?  Was your heart beating some sick dubstep beats?  Did you sweat?  At any point were you out of breath (not because you had to climb up stairs, you porcine tub of ass)?  If you answered yes to at least two out of three of these, file today under CROSS-TRAINING!  You can't be a running machine all the time.  You earned it.  Kick back.  Relax going into the weekend.  You're running tomorrow.

Saturday: Run/Walk 25 minutes

Sunday: Run/Walk 3 miles (you got this, in about a month, three miles will be a piece of cake)

Tomorrow is bring a retard to work day.  Bring me followers, don't be ashamed.

The temp is too damn high!

No seriously.  Through the month of July you crazy retarded bastards have been walking in 110+ degree weather in some cases.  You are truly retarded.  You may have even tried to do your walks/runs at 10PM that night, only to find it's hotter outside than it is in an oven (that one was for my Jewish followers!).

What is a dedicated retard like yourself to do?

I'll tell you what to do!  You can go in the early mornings for one.  The temps are significantly cooler given the fact it's been dark and temps are consistently dropping throughout the night.  If you're lucky, it's only 85 at 6 in the goddamned morning.

Not a morning person?  Think about it...  You're only going to be gone for a half and hour or so at a time.  Take a cold damp washcloth and put it your skull.  "But my hair will get wet..."  Fucking seriously?  You're not showering afterwards?  No taint teasing for you later.  "But the water will drip down my back and it will be cold..." I will rape you a rake.  Your body should be dripping with sweat.  "But..."  You're making excuses.  DON'T DO THAT!

Today is your midrun.  It's not the lowrun (M, Th, Sat), it's not your bigrun (Sun).  You're going to go a distance comfortably between the two.  Pay attention because this terminology is going to stick.  Memorize it, faggots!  35 minutes in a combination of running and walking.  Remember to push through any feelings of tiredness.  You can rest when your dead!  ...after I tap that ass with my rake.

White Zinfandel

Hey crackers (because no self-respecting person of a non-Caucasian influence wouldn't be caught reading a RUNNING BLOG)!  Did you have too much to drink the night before?  Good job.  Way to introduce toxins into an athletic training regimen...toolbag.

Toss back too many G&Ts or sake bombers (again, all whitey drinks)?  Chug some water and take it easy on your run.  The first day you take off to not run and "recover" is the first day you tell yourself it's OK to skip a run because you did it to yourself (this sentence made NO sense to me, either.  Good luck.).  It's an excuse, and not a very good one.  If you feel you can't do the full run, make that decision AFTER you start, not before.  You're in your third week and you're already setting yourself up for failure by skipping out.  Don't reschedule on your day off.  Your day off is meant to be a day off.  Shameful.

We're officially the whitest blog ever!  Tell your friends!

Kill yourself: Part 1

Hope your weekend was awesome.  I need to restructure my posts.  You assholes stopped coming.

In other news Amy Winehouse is dead...   I'll just let that soak in...

...

We good?

I'm going to tell you what you're doing for the first half of the week.  Right fucking now.  We're going to change gears.  Your feet hurt from walking for so long, right?  Time to kick it up a notch...sort of.  You're now going to run AND walk for your times this week.  Here's the poop:

Monday: FUCKING REST!
Tuesday: fucking run/walk for 25 minutes!
Wednesday: 35 minutes, same fucking thing!
Thursday: 25 fucking minutes!
FRIDAY, FRIDAY, GOTTA GET DOWN ON FRIDAY: kick back with a gin and tonic.

I'll write something more inspiring later, fucktards...