Substitute activites

Imagine this...CLOSE YOUR FUCKING EYES, COCKBITE...  You just built the Great Wall of China.  That mess of concrete, human remains, and unicorn tears can be seen from motherfucking SPACE.  Your notice on your smartphone tells you that you are do for your cardio exercise in 15 minutes.  First off, you should be impressed with how white you are, you alabaster gods and godesses...you've got a device that tells you when to do cardio...  Second off, you just completed the construction of on of the greatest manmade structures in human history.  You are NOT about to run/walk any distance after THAT.  A masked rapist wielding a rusted rake and a chainsaw could be coming for you and you will not be bothered to more one micrometer.

You know what?

That's cool.  Why, you ask?  Was your heart beating some sick dubstep beats?  Did you sweat?  At any point were you out of breath (not because you had to climb up stairs, you porcine tub of ass)?  If you answered yes to at least two out of three of these, file today under CROSS-TRAINING!  You can't be a running machine all the time.  You earned it.  Kick back.  Relax going into the weekend.  You're running tomorrow.

Saturday: Run/Walk 25 minutes

Sunday: Run/Walk 3 miles (you got this, in about a month, three miles will be a piece of cake)

Tomorrow is bring a retard to work day.  Bring me followers, don't be ashamed.

White Zinfandel

Hey crackers (because no self-respecting person of a non-Caucasian influence wouldn't be caught reading a RUNNING BLOG)!  Did you have too much to drink the night before?  Good job.  Way to introduce toxins into an athletic training regimen...toolbag.

Toss back too many G&Ts or sake bombers (again, all whitey drinks)?  Chug some water and take it easy on your run.  The first day you take off to not run and "recover" is the first day you tell yourself it's OK to skip a run because you did it to yourself (this sentence made NO sense to me, either.  Good luck.).  It's an excuse, and not a very good one.  If you feel you can't do the full run, make that decision AFTER you start, not before.  You're in your third week and you're already setting yourself up for failure by skipping out.  Don't reschedule on your day off.  Your day off is meant to be a day off.  Shameful.

We're officially the whitest blog ever!  Tell your friends!

Kill yourself: Part 1

Hope your weekend was awesome.  I need to restructure my posts.  You assholes stopped coming.

In other news Amy Winehouse is dead...   I'll just let that soak in...

...

We good?

I'm going to tell you what you're doing for the first half of the week.  Right fucking now.  We're going to change gears.  Your feet hurt from walking for so long, right?  Time to kick it up a notch...sort of.  You're now going to run AND walk for your times this week.  Here's the poop:

Monday: FUCKING REST!
Tuesday: fucking run/walk for 25 minutes!
Wednesday: 35 minutes, same fucking thing!
Thursday: 25 fucking minutes!
FRIDAY, FRIDAY, GOTTA GET DOWN ON FRIDAY: kick back with a gin and tonic.

I'll write something more inspiring later, fucktards...

Monday, fuckers!

You were supposed to walk 2 miles yesterday.  You didn't.  I know.  Don't worry, though, it's fine.  I didn't want to see you on marathon day.  You know a marathon is on some old guy's bucket list, right?  Some monumental (emphasis on the mental) accomplishment that only the stalwart can accomplish?  You go ahead and sit on the couch, fuck off, and die.  I'm not here to help YOU, I'm here to help marathoners, runners, finishers, and at the very least doers.

For the rest of you that actually did something with contacting your feet to the pavement for a couple miles, it's time for you to do nothing.  Stay active if you can, keep your body moderately active, and DON'T RUN!  You'll have plenty of time for that...next week.  SURPRISE, BITCHES!  Here's your schedule for the next week:

Monday: REST, I just fucking said it, don't make me repeat myself
Tuesday: walk 25 min
Wednesday: walk 35 min
Thursday: walk 25 min
Friday: REST AGAIN!
Saturday: walk 25 min
Sunday: walk 2.5 miles!

If I see my traffic dip I'm going to post only a few days at a time so you mental fuckers keep coming back.  Because, let's face it, this marathon may be the stupidest thing you'll ever do.  Tomorrow, some tips to make sure you asshats finish.

Happy Friday!

And what a happy Friday it is!  Why is Friday so good?  Because it's the end of the workweek?  Sure, why the fuck not...but really, it's all about the break time.  Kick your feet up tonight and don't let them touch the pavement.  You ain't doing shit today because it's a DAY OFF!  Rest, play video games, eat, go see a movie, masturbate, milk a cow, beat your spouse - I don't care two rats' asses what you decide to do with your spare time.  Enjoy it.

Now, I'm not going to update this stupid thing this weekend, and very likely not at all over the course of any weekends, so here's your schedule:

Saturday: walk for 25 minutes
Sunday: walk 2 miles

Now, I know what you're saying: "Hey, you fat fuck, what do you mean walk 2 miles?!  We were dealing with TIME not DISTANCE!"  I hear you retards out there, and let me tell you that for here, now, and forever your Sundays are your BIG distance days.  We're going to change our schedule a teeny bit next week, too.  Monday (since they blow goats anyway) will be the new day off.  Studies show that people are more willing to accept a new task on the first day of the week...and now that I have you drooling bastards in my LASER SIGHTS I'm going to change things next week since you have tentatively established a habit.  I will also post the ENTIRE week's schedule on Sunday night/Monday morning and will change the format here to more of a helping/tips/tricks/blowjobs layout.

My final thought: if you're dragging your feet and walking slowly, FUCKING STOP IT!  Kick it up a notch.  If you're not trying, you're dying.

Rocky start part 2

Eventually, I'm going to get a hold of this blogging thing.  In the mean time, I'll tell you what you should have done yesterday.  NOTHING!  Abso-fucking-lutely nothing!  Did you enjoy yourself?  Good!  If by chance you happened to find yourself meandering aimlessly in and around your neighborhood last night, today is your break day.  Don't do a thing!

For the rest of you that didn't do shit yesterday, time to get your fat asses out the fucking door again!  Put down the twinkie (shit, I don't care if you take it with you - this is about moving, not eating.  Eating comes later!) and get outside.

Here's the thing about Wednesdays: they're longer - usually about half as long as your weekend run/walk, except for the first few weeks.  Today you will find yourself walking a brisk walk for 35 minutes.  And don't try to hulk out and walk for an hour.  The goal today is 35 minutes and the last thing you want to do is injure yourself or suffer from early burn out.  35!  No more, and sure as hell not less.  The goal is ALWAYS to FINISH.