Time

Don't be in a rush to do anything.  Unless of course you've been diagnosed with terminal rectal cancer and you've got about 19 seconds to twist off to a juicy picture of Bea Arthur.  But as far as running is concerned, where the fuck are you going so goddamned fast anyway?

If you're reading this, you're either lost or you're a beginner runner - no one is following this for "edutatainment" purposes.

Now let's run, my retards.

If you're just starting like I've perpetually been for the better part of the 21st Century, then you need a goal.  Your goal is to finish.  You will set no records.  Ever.  Unless it's biggest loser.  No, not the show...you're a loser.

That said, I had to take care of a little professional business for a bit and I couldn't keep up the blog.  Let's face it...you aren't important, and I am.  I got my BS in HR Management.  That's right...I use the "R" word and I fired people who use it.  We're a foul bunch, you really have no idea.

In the mean time, my maid/cook/wife just lost 100 pounds and I haven't; and now the little fuck-trophy is 2 and a half.  You're up to date.

There...now go walk 2 miles.  WALK!  You've got nowhere to be!

The temp is too damn high!

No seriously.  Through the month of July you crazy retarded bastards have been walking in 110+ degree weather in some cases.  You are truly retarded.  You may have even tried to do your walks/runs at 10PM that night, only to find it's hotter outside than it is in an oven (that one was for my Jewish followers!).

What is a dedicated retard like yourself to do?

I'll tell you what to do!  You can go in the early mornings for one.  The temps are significantly cooler given the fact it's been dark and temps are consistently dropping throughout the night.  If you're lucky, it's only 85 at 6 in the goddamned morning.

Not a morning person?  Think about it...  You're only going to be gone for a half and hour or so at a time.  Take a cold damp washcloth and put it your skull.  "But my hair will get wet..."  Fucking seriously?  You're not showering afterwards?  No taint teasing for you later.  "But the water will drip down my back and it will be cold..." I will rape you a rake.  Your body should be dripping with sweat.  "But..."  You're making excuses.  DON'T DO THAT!

Today is your midrun.  It's not the lowrun (M, Th, Sat), it's not your bigrun (Sun).  You're going to go a distance comfortably between the two.  Pay attention because this terminology is going to stick.  Memorize it, faggots!  35 minutes in a combination of running and walking.  Remember to push through any feelings of tiredness.  You can rest when your dead!  ...after I tap that ass with my rake.

Kill yourself: Part 1

Hope your weekend was awesome.  I need to restructure my posts.  You assholes stopped coming.

In other news Amy Winehouse is dead...   I'll just let that soak in...

...

We good?

I'm going to tell you what you're doing for the first half of the week.  Right fucking now.  We're going to change gears.  Your feet hurt from walking for so long, right?  Time to kick it up a notch...sort of.  You're now going to run AND walk for your times this week.  Here's the poop:

Monday: FUCKING REST!
Tuesday: fucking run/walk for 25 minutes!
Wednesday: 35 minutes, same fucking thing!
Thursday: 25 fucking minutes!
FRIDAY, FRIDAY, GOTTA GET DOWN ON FRIDAY: kick back with a gin and tonic.

I'll write something more inspiring later, fucktards...

Rocky start

Yesterday you should have walked for 20 minutes.  How did you know you were supposed to do that, right?  I didn't tell you!  Chances are you haven't read a damned thing about running and that's OK.

Considering this is a Phoenix-based blog (for now), it's very likely you encountered a haboob during your walk.  Maybe you're lucky this is being postponed to today.  Who cares?  Wear some sunglasses and a bandana when you leave the house - I hear it's the "in" thing these days...all the cool kids are doing it.

Today, your goal is to walk another 20 minutes.  You are not aiming for distance or a good time trial.  You are simply putting your fat left leg in front your fat right right leg.  You should manage to walk between one mile and a mile and a half.  Also, it doesn't matter when you do it, just do it.

Your tip for today: HYDRATE!  Water is like body fuel, your body needs it to keep going.  Even if it's "only" 20 minutes, just grab the damned water bottle since you'll be carrying one on your longer walks/runs.  Plus...it's not like the extra weight is going to slow you down.