Surprise!!!

It's not the kind of surprise where a pair of perky titties jump out of a cake.  No, this is like a shit sandwich.  Or, for you running tards who are really getting into the swing of things, a milestone.

If you've never run a 5K before, now is your chance.  This Sunday, at a time of your choosing, you are going to run 3.1 miles.  Best part?  You don't get a medal for it.  You're not running for cystic fibrosis or lupus or AIDS or explosive West Nile with a side of SARS.  So what do you do to celebrate your accomplishment?

You should ALWAYS have something encouraging at the end of a triumph, even if you've done it 9 times before.  Me?  I have a fruit infused beer.  Before you call me a fag, it's like wine, champagne, and beer mixed into one epic drink...and it costs $14 per bottle.  But, I earned it, so fuck you as I say with a giant 7-incher in my gob!  What should you do?  Smoke a nice thick stogie, get a blow job (or the female equivalent) and just sit there, have a craft beer, grill a huge fucking t-bone and be sure to cook it no more done than medium-rare, go to the tittie bar and make it rain.  Celebrate in a way to make it special for YOU.  It's your fucking accomplishment and don't pussy foot around.  Live.  It.  Up.

Schedule: In case you need a reminder you addle-minded simpletons, Friday: REST
Saturday: 25 minute run/walk
Sunday: 3.1 miles - I don't care how you do it, just finish!

Next week it's nothing but distance!

Two last things for a final thought: how the fuck do you track 3.1 miles without equipment?  Google maps + Google labs (the gear looking thing in the top right corner) + Distance Measurement Tool.  Lay it out to 3.1 and go do it.  Final thought?  Go fuck yourself and congratulations, you mongoloid bastards.

Substitute activites

Imagine this...CLOSE YOUR FUCKING EYES, COCKBITE...  You just built the Great Wall of China.  That mess of concrete, human remains, and unicorn tears can be seen from motherfucking SPACE.  Your notice on your smartphone tells you that you are do for your cardio exercise in 15 minutes.  First off, you should be impressed with how white you are, you alabaster gods and godesses...you've got a device that tells you when to do cardio...  Second off, you just completed the construction of on of the greatest manmade structures in human history.  You are NOT about to run/walk any distance after THAT.  A masked rapist wielding a rusted rake and a chainsaw could be coming for you and you will not be bothered to more one micrometer.

You know what?

That's cool.  Why, you ask?  Was your heart beating some sick dubstep beats?  Did you sweat?  At any point were you out of breath (not because you had to climb up stairs, you porcine tub of ass)?  If you answered yes to at least two out of three of these, file today under CROSS-TRAINING!  You can't be a running machine all the time.  You earned it.  Kick back.  Relax going into the weekend.  You're running tomorrow.

Saturday: Run/Walk 25 minutes

Sunday: Run/Walk 3 miles (you got this, in about a month, three miles will be a piece of cake)

Tomorrow is bring a retard to work day.  Bring me followers, don't be ashamed.

Happy Friday!

And what a happy Friday it is!  Why is Friday so good?  Because it's the end of the workweek?  Sure, why the fuck not...but really, it's all about the break time.  Kick your feet up tonight and don't let them touch the pavement.  You ain't doing shit today because it's a DAY OFF!  Rest, play video games, eat, go see a movie, masturbate, milk a cow, beat your spouse - I don't care two rats' asses what you decide to do with your spare time.  Enjoy it.

Now, I'm not going to update this stupid thing this weekend, and very likely not at all over the course of any weekends, so here's your schedule:

Saturday: walk for 25 minutes
Sunday: walk 2 miles

Now, I know what you're saying: "Hey, you fat fuck, what do you mean walk 2 miles?!  We were dealing with TIME not DISTANCE!"  I hear you retards out there, and let me tell you that for here, now, and forever your Sundays are your BIG distance days.  We're going to change our schedule a teeny bit next week, too.  Monday (since they blow goats anyway) will be the new day off.  Studies show that people are more willing to accept a new task on the first day of the week...and now that I have you drooling bastards in my LASER SIGHTS I'm going to change things next week since you have tentatively established a habit.  I will also post the ENTIRE week's schedule on Sunday night/Monday morning and will change the format here to more of a helping/tips/tricks/blowjobs layout.

My final thought: if you're dragging your feet and walking slowly, FUCKING STOP IT!  Kick it up a notch.  If you're not trying, you're dying.