As explained earlier for those of you who have bothered to pay attention this long, AKA my dedicated readers (seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you?), you know that I reside a fresh, dirty hell known as Phoenix, Arizona. Not only am I a marathoner, but I'm also an agent of running death.
This week, weatherbug is telling me that it's going to be a hundred and fucking seventeen degrees on Wednesday. 117?! This makes me want to leave my air conditioned house as much as Muammar Gaddafi wants to leave Lybia. Do I REALLY feel like running outside in that? Fuck you, no, and thank you.
What to do? Honesty, treadmills aren't great for distance running because it takes some SERIOUS mental fortitude. Plus, I get bored looking at the same hot piece of ass in yoga pants...I'm not getting any closer to it, am I? Back to the point, in this case the treadmill just might be OK. You retards need to remember you're doing something that has LITERALLY KILLED PEOPLE. Perfectly healthy 20-30 year olds, flopping down dead on the pavement due to strain, water intoxication, or rogue sniper. Remember how hot the pavement is too...they fall, they become hamburgers on a flat grill.
Keep cool, run in the shade or maybe an indoor track to keep up with your normal running regimen. Running early in the morning helps, also.
Also, the Laveen 5K, click for location and more information. I'll see you there. I'll likely even be sporting something so you know who I am and can punch me in the neck for being so flippant and "intolerant." Whining assfaggots.
SCHEDULE!!!
MONDAY: REST
TUESDAY: 2 miles
WEDNESDAY: 3 miles
THURSDAY: 2 miles
FRIDAY: REST
Showing posts with label water. Show all posts
Showing posts with label water. Show all posts
Monday, August 22, 2011
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Water, water everywhere
Little did you retards now, water is a poison. True story.
You make it a point to bring a bottle of dihydrogen monoxide with you on your jaunts, whether it's a lowly 25 minutes or a lowly 3 miles. Awesome! This is a good way to keep your innards moist and your body hydrated. Then you go home and chug an entire gallon to balance things out and rid your body of toxins, free radicals, and semen. You're very likely to feel a little fucked up about an hour later. You brush it off and think you're just tired from your "run." I say "run" because this is soon going to be the bare minimum you'll be expected to do starting next week. Don't ignore this feeling! You're going to die.
Water is known as the universal solvent. Everything dissolves. This includes the shit inside your body that actually needs to be there in a reasonably undiluted state especially sodium. This imbalance in electrolytes in your body is going to kill you. Now you're asking me, "WHAT THE BALLOCKING FUCK DO I DO?!?!"
Well, don't piss yourself over it. Oh, wait. YES! Piss yourself! It's the best way for fluids to leave your body. Nothing more and nothing less. In the event of extreme water intake, a diuretic can help or call poison control. Keep your feet on the pavement, assholes...it's a much better alternative than using your face to run.
You make it a point to bring a bottle of dihydrogen monoxide with you on your jaunts, whether it's a lowly 25 minutes or a lowly 3 miles. Awesome! This is a good way to keep your innards moist and your body hydrated. Then you go home and chug an entire gallon to balance things out and rid your body of toxins, free radicals, and semen. You're very likely to feel a little fucked up about an hour later. You brush it off and think you're just tired from your "run." I say "run" because this is soon going to be the bare minimum you'll be expected to do starting next week. Don't ignore this feeling! You're going to die.
Water is known as the universal solvent. Everything dissolves. This includes the shit inside your body that actually needs to be there in a reasonably undiluted state especially sodium. This imbalance in electrolytes in your body is going to kill you. Now you're asking me, "WHAT THE BALLOCKING FUCK DO I DO?!?!"
Well, don't piss yourself over it. Oh, wait. YES! Piss yourself! It's the best way for fluids to leave your body. Nothing more and nothing less. In the event of extreme water intake, a diuretic can help or call poison control. Keep your feet on the pavement, assholes...it's a much better alternative than using your face to run.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
The temp is too damn high!
No seriously. Through the month of July you crazy retarded bastards have been walking in 110+ degree weather in some cases. You are truly retarded. You may have even tried to do your walks/runs at 10PM that night, only to find it's hotter outside than it is in an oven (that one was for my Jewish followers!).
What is a dedicated retard like yourself to do?
I'll tell you what to do! You can go in the early mornings for one. The temps are significantly cooler given the fact it's been dark and temps are consistently dropping throughout the night. If you're lucky, it's only 85 at 6 in the goddamned morning.
Not a morning person? Think about it... You're only going to be gone for a half and hour or so at a time. Take a cold damp washcloth and put it your skull. "But my hair will get wet..." Fucking seriously? You're not showering afterwards? No taint teasing for you later. "But the water will drip down my back and it will be cold..." I will rape you a rake. Your body should be dripping with sweat. "But..." You're making excuses. DON'T DO THAT!
Today is your midrun. It's not the lowrun (M, Th, Sat), it's not your bigrun (Sun). You're going to go a distance comfortably between the two. Pay attention because this terminology is going to stick. Memorize it, faggots! 35 minutes in a combination of running and walking. Remember to push through any feelings of tiredness. You can rest when your dead! ...after I tap that ass with my rake.
What is a dedicated retard like yourself to do?
I'll tell you what to do! You can go in the early mornings for one. The temps are significantly cooler given the fact it's been dark and temps are consistently dropping throughout the night. If you're lucky, it's only 85 at 6 in the goddamned morning.
Not a morning person? Think about it... You're only going to be gone for a half and hour or so at a time. Take a cold damp washcloth and put it your skull. "But my hair will get wet..." Fucking seriously? You're not showering afterwards? No taint teasing for you later. "But the water will drip down my back and it will be cold..." I will rape you a rake. Your body should be dripping with sweat. "But..." You're making excuses. DON'T DO THAT!
Today is your midrun. It's not the lowrun (M, Th, Sat), it's not your bigrun (Sun). You're going to go a distance comfortably between the two. Pay attention because this terminology is going to stick. Memorize it, faggots! 35 minutes in a combination of running and walking. Remember to push through any feelings of tiredness. You can rest when your dead! ...after I tap that ass with my rake.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
White Zinfandel
Hey crackers (because no self-respecting person of a non-Caucasian influence wouldn't be caught reading a RUNNING BLOG)! Did you have too much to drink the night before? Good job. Way to introduce toxins into an athletic training regimen...toolbag.
Toss back too many G&Ts or sake bombers (again, all whitey drinks)? Chug some water and take it easy on your run. The first day you take off to not run and "recover" is the first day you tell yourself it's OK to skip a run because you did it to yourself (this sentence made NO sense to me, either. Good luck.). It's an excuse, and not a very good one. If you feel you can't do the full run, make that decision AFTER you start, not before. You're in your third week and you're already setting yourself up for failure by skipping out. Don't reschedule on your day off. Your day off is meant to be a day off. Shameful.
We're officially the whitest blog ever! Tell your friends!
Toss back too many G&Ts or sake bombers (again, all whitey drinks)? Chug some water and take it easy on your run. The first day you take off to not run and "recover" is the first day you tell yourself it's OK to skip a run because you did it to yourself (this sentence made NO sense to me, either. Good luck.). It's an excuse, and not a very good one. If you feel you can't do the full run, make that decision AFTER you start, not before. You're in your third week and you're already setting yourself up for failure by skipping out. Don't reschedule on your day off. Your day off is meant to be a day off. Shameful.
We're officially the whitest blog ever! Tell your friends!
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Rocky start
Yesterday you should have walked for 20 minutes. How did you know you were supposed to do that, right? I didn't tell you! Chances are you haven't read a damned thing about running and that's OK.
Considering this is a Phoenix-based blog (for now), it's very likely you encountered a haboob during your walk. Maybe you're lucky this is being postponed to today. Who cares? Wear some sunglasses and a bandana when you leave the house - I hear it's the "in" thing these days...all the cool kids are doing it.
Today, your goal is to walk another 20 minutes. You are not aiming for distance or a good time trial. You are simply putting your fat left leg in front your fat right right leg. You should manage to walk between one mile and a mile and a half. Also, it doesn't matter when you do it, just do it.
Your tip for today: HYDRATE! Water is like body fuel, your body needs it to keep going. Even if it's "only" 20 minutes, just grab the damned water bottle since you'll be carrying one on your longer walks/runs. Plus...it's not like the extra weight is going to slow you down.
Considering this is a Phoenix-based blog (for now), it's very likely you encountered a haboob during your walk. Maybe you're lucky this is being postponed to today. Who cares? Wear some sunglasses and a bandana when you leave the house - I hear it's the "in" thing these days...all the cool kids are doing it.
Today, your goal is to walk another 20 minutes. You are not aiming for distance or a good time trial. You are simply putting your fat left leg in front your fat right right leg. You should manage to walk between one mile and a mile and a half. Also, it doesn't matter when you do it, just do it.
Your tip for today: HYDRATE! Water is like body fuel, your body needs it to keep going. Even if it's "only" 20 minutes, just grab the damned water bottle since you'll be carrying one on your longer walks/runs. Plus...it's not like the extra weight is going to slow you down.
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