The inspiration for this post comes from Momma Ivie over at mommaivie.blogspot.com. This bitch is a mom, and a recent post got me thinking...can you have your cake and eat it too?
The simple answer, yes. HOWEVER, be prepared for an uphill battle. Myself? I'm a social smoker. I'm the douchecanoe you'll see at a party smoking something hip like a clove or a cheap cigar. The day after I smoke, I find it hard to breathe after a simple mile of half-assed jogging. I have no clever story to go with this, I just can't breathe.
But, maybe it's different for you who smoke regularly. Is it easier to get past the shortness of breath? Tell me! I'm dying to know!
SCHEDULE FOR THIS WEEK!
Monday: Happy Labor Day - you working stiffs enjoy your day off!
Tuesday - 3 miles, get ready to gear up!
Wednesday - 4 miles
Thursday - 3 miles
Friday - A reminder today is a day off.
NEW ADDITION! HALF-MARATHON TRAINING SCHEDULE & SHORTENED MARATHON TRAINING SCHEDULE!
HALF-MARATHON:
Monday - You're resting like the rest of us. Heh, homonym...
Tuesday - Walk 20 minutes
Wednesday - Walk 30 minutes
Thursday - Walk 20 minutes
Friday - Rest!
MARATHON SHORTENED TRAINING: (maybe you weren't ready, but are now!)
Same as the half marathon above!
Remember, above all else, have fun. Get retarded about running!
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Showing posts with label schedule. Show all posts
Showing posts with label schedule. Show all posts
Monday, September 5, 2011
Friday, September 2, 2011
Loss
There are often situations in one's life that can detract from one's goals. I recently had a...slight misfortune, we'll call it...during the course of this last week. I'm still suffering from it to be quite frank. It's not fucking fair. Life took a dump on me and now I'm covered in more shit than the bitches in that two-girls-one-cup video.
I didn't want to do anything. I still don't. I want to curl up in a ball while wearing my Scooby Doo pajamas and tell the world to get fucked. But, I cant. I've got too many people depending on me to get shit done. Work, school, wife, fuck-trophy. So, I must persevere.
So, what does one do when that shit is stacked against them like the Great Wall of China...without the dead bodies and angry Mongorrians on the other side.
You do it for the cause. You can run for the kids in Africa, or lupus - it's always lupus, or DIABEETUS. You can run for yourself. You can run for those you lost. You can run to forget.
Take your time to mourn. You got this. You're retards after all.
Weekend schedule:
Saturday - 3 miles
Sunday - 3 miles
Monday - REMEMBER TO REST!
I didn't want to do anything. I still don't. I want to curl up in a ball while wearing my Scooby Doo pajamas and tell the world to get fucked. But, I cant. I've got too many people depending on me to get shit done. Work, school, wife, fuck-trophy. So, I must persevere.
So, what does one do when that shit is stacked against them like the Great Wall of China...without the dead bodies and angry Mongorrians on the other side.
You do it for the cause. You can run for the kids in Africa, or lupus - it's always lupus, or DIABEETUS. You can run for yourself. You can run for those you lost. You can run to forget.
Take your time to mourn. You got this. You're retards after all.
Weekend schedule:
Saturday - 3 miles
Sunday - 3 miles
Monday - REMEMBER TO REST!
Friday, August 26, 2011
Oops and an update
Holy fuckfarts, I totally spaced out. If you're paying attention, here's the schedule for the weekend.
Saturday: 2 miles
Sunday: 5 miles
It seems daunting, but you can fucking do it! Get outside, get retarded, and get to it!
Saturday: 2 miles
Sunday: 5 miles
It seems daunting, but you can fucking do it! Get outside, get retarded, and get to it!
Monday, August 22, 2011
Global warming, Libya, and you
As explained earlier for those of you who have bothered to pay attention this long, AKA my dedicated readers (seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you?), you know that I reside a fresh, dirty hell known as Phoenix, Arizona. Not only am I a marathoner, but I'm also an agent of running death.
This week, weatherbug is telling me that it's going to be a hundred and fucking seventeen degrees on Wednesday. 117?! This makes me want to leave my air conditioned house as much as Muammar Gaddafi wants to leave Lybia. Do I REALLY feel like running outside in that? Fuck you, no, and thank you.
What to do? Honesty, treadmills aren't great for distance running because it takes some SERIOUS mental fortitude. Plus, I get bored looking at the same hot piece of ass in yoga pants...I'm not getting any closer to it, am I? Back to the point, in this case the treadmill just might be OK. You retards need to remember you're doing something that has LITERALLY KILLED PEOPLE. Perfectly healthy 20-30 year olds, flopping down dead on the pavement due to strain, water intoxication, or rogue sniper. Remember how hot the pavement is too...they fall, they become hamburgers on a flat grill.
Keep cool, run in the shade or maybe an indoor track to keep up with your normal running regimen. Running early in the morning helps, also.
Also, the Laveen 5K, click for location and more information. I'll see you there. I'll likely even be sporting something so you know who I am and can punch me in the neck for being so flippant and "intolerant." Whining assfaggots.
SCHEDULE!!!
MONDAY: REST
TUESDAY: 2 miles
WEDNESDAY: 3 miles
THURSDAY: 2 miles
FRIDAY: REST
This week, weatherbug is telling me that it's going to be a hundred and fucking seventeen degrees on Wednesday. 117?! This makes me want to leave my air conditioned house as much as Muammar Gaddafi wants to leave Lybia. Do I REALLY feel like running outside in that? Fuck you, no, and thank you.
What to do? Honesty, treadmills aren't great for distance running because it takes some SERIOUS mental fortitude. Plus, I get bored looking at the same hot piece of ass in yoga pants...I'm not getting any closer to it, am I? Back to the point, in this case the treadmill just might be OK. You retards need to remember you're doing something that has LITERALLY KILLED PEOPLE. Perfectly healthy 20-30 year olds, flopping down dead on the pavement due to strain, water intoxication, or rogue sniper. Remember how hot the pavement is too...they fall, they become hamburgers on a flat grill.
Keep cool, run in the shade or maybe an indoor track to keep up with your normal running regimen. Running early in the morning helps, also.
Also, the Laveen 5K, click for location and more information. I'll see you there. I'll likely even be sporting something so you know who I am and can punch me in the neck for being so flippant and "intolerant." Whining assfaggots.
SCHEDULE!!!
MONDAY: REST
TUESDAY: 2 miles
WEDNESDAY: 3 miles
THURSDAY: 2 miles
FRIDAY: REST
Friday, August 19, 2011
The rain - definitely, definitely, the rain.
Definitely rain. There's no better retard than the Rain Man for today's discussion. Have you ever been so fucking gung-ho about getting your ass out to run that come hell or high water you're going to do it. You could look right into the face of God and be like, "Fuck you, God; get out of my way! I'm running!" And he's all, "Fuck you, no!" And tries to smite you, but he misses, because of your retard fast energy legs!
Yeah, well we here in Phoenix have these Middle-East wanna-be bastards called haboobs. In other words, a huge fucking dust storm. Well, I looked right into God's face, and I'm like, "Fuck you, God!" And then he threw a huge cloud of dust at me... And I'm all, "I SAID FUCK YOU, GOD!" and BAM! I punched that dirt cloud right in the goddamned eye and kept fucking running.
Think of it as an obstacle. Something big to overcome that people are like, "You fucking ran in THAT? Plus it was 154 degrees outside!! Are you retarded?" And you can look them square in the nostrils and say, "Yes, yes I am."
What are you doing this weekend? Not that I fucking care... oh, wait. You want the schedule. You aren't paying attention to me anyway, assclowns. What do you care? OK, fine...HERE! Faggots.
FRIDAY: REST!
Saturday: 2 miles
Sunday: 4 miles. WOO!!! It's easy. Think of it was 15 minutes per mile...and that's reasonably slow. Block off an hour of time, and you got this. Did you ever think you'd go and run for an hour...four miles? You're a fucking mutant. AN ANIMAL! DO IT!
Yeah, well we here in Phoenix have these Middle-East wanna-be bastards called haboobs. In other words, a huge fucking dust storm. Well, I looked right into God's face, and I'm like, "Fuck you, God!" And then he threw a huge cloud of dust at me... And I'm all, "I SAID FUCK YOU, GOD!" and BAM! I punched that dirt cloud right in the goddamned eye and kept fucking running.
Think of it as an obstacle. Something big to overcome that people are like, "You fucking ran in THAT? Plus it was 154 degrees outside!! Are you retarded?" And you can look them square in the nostrils and say, "Yes, yes I am."
What are you doing this weekend? Not that I fucking care... oh, wait. You want the schedule. You aren't paying attention to me anyway, assclowns. What do you care? OK, fine...HERE! Faggots.
FRIDAY: REST!
Saturday: 2 miles
Sunday: 4 miles. WOO!!! It's easy. Think of it was 15 minutes per mile...and that's reasonably slow. Block off an hour of time, and you got this. Did you ever think you'd go and run for an hour...four miles? You're a fucking mutant. AN ANIMAL! DO IT!
Monday, August 15, 2011
Refer a friend week!
Hey, fucktards. Happy fucking Monday. Seriously, this day can bite my ass, so I'll keep it brief.
Monday is a rest day, you all know that by now. If not, you should read my blog more often...douchecanoe...
BUT, you have homework. Today, call up a buddy, friend, pal, compadre, sex puppet, spouse, fuck buddy, or significant other and convince them to run with you. You could even take this week back to week one if you'd like to cater to them, just be sure to ramp it up a little quicker.
Here's the meaningful sappy bullshit. Your accomplishment will mean infinitely more to you if you were to share the moment with someone else. Your happy is their happy.
Otherwise, it's all distance this week. Nothing better than hitting the ground running!
Monday: in case you weren't paying attention, REST and FIND A BUDDY!
Tuesday: 2 miles
Wednesday: 3 miles (uh oh, what are we doing this weekend?)
Thursday: 2 miles
Friday: REST AGAIN
Here's hoping a flock of penises or vaginae (your call) find their way to your crotches by the end of the week.
Monday is a rest day, you all know that by now. If not, you should read my blog more often...douchecanoe...
BUT, you have homework. Today, call up a buddy, friend, pal, compadre, sex puppet, spouse, fuck buddy, or significant other and convince them to run with you. You could even take this week back to week one if you'd like to cater to them, just be sure to ramp it up a little quicker.
Here's the meaningful sappy bullshit. Your accomplishment will mean infinitely more to you if you were to share the moment with someone else. Your happy is their happy.
Otherwise, it's all distance this week. Nothing better than hitting the ground running!
Monday: in case you weren't paying attention, REST and FIND A BUDDY!
Tuesday: 2 miles
Wednesday: 3 miles (uh oh, what are we doing this weekend?)
Thursday: 2 miles
Friday: REST AGAIN
Here's hoping a flock of penises or vaginae (your call) find their way to your crotches by the end of the week.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Surprise!!!
It's not the kind of surprise where a pair of perky titties jump out of a cake. No, this is like a shit sandwich. Or, for you running tards who are really getting into the swing of things, a milestone.
If you've never run a 5K before, now is your chance. This Sunday, at a time of your choosing, you are going to run 3.1 miles. Best part? You don't get a medal for it. You're not running for cystic fibrosis or lupus or AIDS or explosive West Nile with a side of SARS. So what do you do to celebrate your accomplishment?
You should ALWAYS have something encouraging at the end of a triumph, even if you've done it 9 times before. Me? I have a fruit infused beer. Before you call me a fag, it's like wine, champagne, and beer mixed into one epic drink...and it costs $14 per bottle. But, I earned it, so fuck you as I say with a giant 7-incher in my gob! What should you do? Smoke a nice thick stogie, get a blow job (or the female equivalent) and just sit there, have a craft beer, grill a huge fucking t-bone and be sure to cook it no more done than medium-rare, go to the tittie bar and make it rain. Celebrate in a way to make it special for YOU. It's your fucking accomplishment and don't pussy foot around. Live. It. Up.
Schedule: In case you need a reminder you addle-minded simpletons, Friday: REST
Saturday: 25 minute run/walk
Sunday: 3.1 miles - I don't care how you do it, just finish!
Next week it's nothing but distance!
Two last things for a final thought: how the fuck do you track 3.1 miles without equipment? Google maps + Google labs (the gear looking thing in the top right corner) + Distance Measurement Tool. Lay it out to 3.1 and go do it. Final thought? Go fuck yourself and congratulations, you mongoloid bastards.
If you've never run a 5K before, now is your chance. This Sunday, at a time of your choosing, you are going to run 3.1 miles. Best part? You don't get a medal for it. You're not running for cystic fibrosis or lupus or AIDS or explosive West Nile with a side of SARS. So what do you do to celebrate your accomplishment?
You should ALWAYS have something encouraging at the end of a triumph, even if you've done it 9 times before. Me? I have a fruit infused beer. Before you call me a fag, it's like wine, champagne, and beer mixed into one epic drink...and it costs $14 per bottle. But, I earned it, so fuck you as I say with a giant 7-incher in my gob! What should you do? Smoke a nice thick stogie, get a blow job (or the female equivalent) and just sit there, have a craft beer, grill a huge fucking t-bone and be sure to cook it no more done than medium-rare, go to the tittie bar and make it rain. Celebrate in a way to make it special for YOU. It's your fucking accomplishment and don't pussy foot around. Live. It. Up.
Schedule: In case you need a reminder you addle-minded simpletons, Friday: REST
Saturday: 25 minute run/walk
Sunday: 3.1 miles - I don't care how you do it, just finish!
Next week it's nothing but distance!
Two last things for a final thought: how the fuck do you track 3.1 miles without equipment? Google maps + Google labs (the gear looking thing in the top right corner) + Distance Measurement Tool. Lay it out to 3.1 and go do it. Final thought? Go fuck yourself and congratulations, you mongoloid bastards.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Are you serious?
I mean it. Are you serious? Serious about what you're doing, is what I mean.
For example, how many people have you told that you are training for a marathon? If you told even a single one: you are a marathoner. Have you started looking at running blogs (besides this one) for tips and tricks and how to improve your running style? You are a marathoner. Have you gone shoe shopping specifically for running shoes and did you tell the 17-year old fuckknob you needed them because were training for a marathon? You are a marathoner.
If you are not this serious after the first month. It's time to rethink your approach. Hate running? What's the problem? If you run the same pattern everyday, you're going to burn out. Take a new route, get some new scenery under your eyeballs, keep the brain busy. Feet hurt? You HAVE to keep going to build up the tolerance. It's going to hurt. Can't find the time? Wake up early and hit the pavement before it gets hotter than Satan's taint or wait until it's a little darker and try a moonlit run in a lighted area...you know, so you don't get raped...unless you're into that thing.
You've got some very auspicious goals this week. You're going to do something monumental, at least if it's nothing you've ever done before, but I'll tell you Thursday or Friday. This weekend is going to be fucking HUGE for you retards.
Monday: REST
Tuesday: 25 minute walk/run (last week of this, then we go for distance all the time, every time)
Wednesday: 40 minute walk/run (more walk than run)
Thursday: 25 minute walk/run
Friday: REST
P.S. I reread the last post... fuck these typos. I'm so sorry for making you read that.
Friday, August 5, 2011
Substitute activites
Imagine this...CLOSE YOUR FUCKING EYES, COCKBITE... You just built the Great Wall of China. That mess of concrete, human remains, and unicorn tears can be seen from motherfucking SPACE. Your notice on your smartphone tells you that you are do for your cardio exercise in 15 minutes. First off, you should be impressed with how white you are, you alabaster gods and godesses...you've got a device that tells you when to do cardio... Second off, you just completed the construction of on of the greatest manmade structures in human history. You are NOT about to run/walk any distance after THAT. A masked rapist wielding a rusted rake and a chainsaw could be coming for you and you will not be bothered to more one micrometer.
You know what?
That's cool. Why, you ask? Was your heart beating some sick dubstep beats? Did you sweat? At any point were you out of breath (not because you had to climb up stairs, you porcine tub of ass)? If you answered yes to at least two out of three of these, file today under CROSS-TRAINING! You can't be a running machine all the time. You earned it. Kick back. Relax going into the weekend. You're running tomorrow.
Saturday: Run/Walk 25 minutes
Sunday: Run/Walk 3 miles (you got this, in about a month, three miles will be a piece of cake)
Tomorrow is bring a retard to work day. Bring me followers, don't be ashamed.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Kill yourself: Part 1
Hope your weekend was awesome. I need to restructure my posts. You assholes stopped coming.
In other news Amy Winehouse is dead... I'll just let that soak in...
...
We good?
I'm going to tell you what you're doing for the first half of the week. Right fucking now. We're going to change gears. Your feet hurt from walking for so long, right? Time to kick it up a notch...sort of. You're now going to run AND walk for your times this week. Here's the poop:
Monday: FUCKING REST!
Tuesday: fucking run/walk for 25 minutes!
Wednesday: 35 minutes, same fucking thing!
Thursday: 25 fucking minutes!
FRIDAY, FRIDAY, GOTTA GET DOWN ON FRIDAY: kick back with a gin and tonic.
I'll write something more inspiring later, fucktards...
In other news Amy Winehouse is dead... I'll just let that soak in...
...
We good?
I'm going to tell you what you're doing for the first half of the week. Right fucking now. We're going to change gears. Your feet hurt from walking for so long, right? Time to kick it up a notch...sort of. You're now going to run AND walk for your times this week. Here's the poop:
Monday: FUCKING REST!
Tuesday: fucking run/walk for 25 minutes!
Wednesday: 35 minutes, same fucking thing!
Thursday: 25 fucking minutes!
FRIDAY, FRIDAY, GOTTA GET DOWN ON FRIDAY: kick back with a gin and tonic.
I'll write something more inspiring later, fucktards...
Monday, July 25, 2011
Monday, fuckers!
You were supposed to walk 2 miles yesterday. You didn't. I know. Don't worry, though, it's fine. I didn't want to see you on marathon day. You know a marathon is on some old guy's bucket list, right? Some monumental (emphasis on the mental) accomplishment that only the stalwart can accomplish? You go ahead and sit on the couch, fuck off, and die. I'm not here to help YOU, I'm here to help marathoners, runners, finishers, and at the very least doers.
For the rest of you that actually did something with contacting your feet to the pavement for a couple miles, it's time for you to do nothing. Stay active if you can, keep your body moderately active, and DON'T RUN! You'll have plenty of time for that...next week. SURPRISE, BITCHES! Here's your schedule for the next week:
Monday: REST, I just fucking said it, don't make me repeat myself
Tuesday: walk 25 min
Wednesday: walk 35 min
Thursday: walk 25 min
Friday: REST AGAIN!
Saturday: walk 25 min
Sunday: walk 2.5 miles!
If I see my traffic dip I'm going to post only a few days at a time so you mental fuckers keep coming back. Because, let's face it, this marathon may be the stupidest thing you'll ever do. Tomorrow, some tips to make sure you asshats finish.
For the rest of you that actually did something with contacting your feet to the pavement for a couple miles, it's time for you to do nothing. Stay active if you can, keep your body moderately active, and DON'T RUN! You'll have plenty of time for that...next week. SURPRISE, BITCHES! Here's your schedule for the next week:
Monday: REST, I just fucking said it, don't make me repeat myself
Tuesday: walk 25 min
Wednesday: walk 35 min
Thursday: walk 25 min
Friday: REST AGAIN!
Saturday: walk 25 min
Sunday: walk 2.5 miles!
If I see my traffic dip I'm going to post only a few days at a time so you mental fuckers keep coming back. Because, let's face it, this marathon may be the stupidest thing you'll ever do. Tomorrow, some tips to make sure you asshats finish.
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