Water, water everywhere

Little did you retards now, water is a poison.  True story.

You make it a point to bring a bottle of dihydrogen monoxide with you on your jaunts, whether it's a lowly 25 minutes or a lowly 3 miles.  Awesome!  This is a good way to keep your innards moist and your body hydrated.  Then you go home and chug an entire gallon to balance things out and rid your body of toxins, free radicals, and semen.  You're very likely to feel a little fucked up about an hour later.  You brush it off and think you're just tired from your "run."  I say "run" because this is soon going to be the bare minimum you'll be expected to do starting next week.  Don't ignore this feeling!  You're going to die.

Water is known as the universal solvent.  Everything dissolves.  This includes the shit inside your body that actually needs to be there in a reasonably undiluted state especially sodium.  This imbalance in electrolytes in your body is going to kill you.  Now you're asking me, "WHAT THE BALLOCKING FUCK DO I DO?!?!"

Well, don't piss yourself over it.  Oh, wait.  YES!  Piss yourself!  It's the best way for fluids to leave your body.  Nothing more and nothing less.  In the event of extreme water intake, a diuretic can help or call poison control.  Keep your feet on the pavement, assholes...it's a much better alternative than using your face to run.

White Zinfandel

Hey crackers (because no self-respecting person of a non-Caucasian influence wouldn't be caught reading a RUNNING BLOG)!  Did you have too much to drink the night before?  Good job.  Way to introduce toxins into an athletic training regimen...toolbag.

Toss back too many G&Ts or sake bombers (again, all whitey drinks)?  Chug some water and take it easy on your run.  The first day you take off to not run and "recover" is the first day you tell yourself it's OK to skip a run because you did it to yourself (this sentence made NO sense to me, either.  Good luck.).  It's an excuse, and not a very good one.  If you feel you can't do the full run, make that decision AFTER you start, not before.  You're in your third week and you're already setting yourself up for failure by skipping out.  Don't reschedule on your day off.  Your day off is meant to be a day off.  Shameful.

We're officially the whitest blog ever!  Tell your friends!

Diet?

This is about running not dieting!  Head on over to Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig.  I don't know how you got here for help on dieting...maybe your Google is broken?

I'm not going to tell you what to eat...at least, not yet.  Your best bet though, if I had to give you retards an inkling of advice - limit your cabs to less than 125 grams per day.  As most of us age, our bodies don't process carbs like they used to.  The result is excess sugars and excess fat.  The best part?  By limiting your carbs intake to this VERY modest amount, you'll feel less full during your walks!  Less weight to carry and no belly protrusions causing you to lean forward.  WIN WIN!