Time

Don't be in a rush to do anything.  Unless of course you've been diagnosed with terminal rectal cancer and you've got about 19 seconds to twist off to a juicy picture of Bea Arthur.  But as far as running is concerned, where the fuck are you going so goddamned fast anyway?

If you're reading this, you're either lost or you're a beginner runner - no one is following this for "edutatainment" purposes.

Now let's run, my retards.

If you're just starting like I've perpetually been for the better part of the 21st Century, then you need a goal.  Your goal is to finish.  You will set no records.  Ever.  Unless it's biggest loser.  No, not the show...you're a loser.

That said, I had to take care of a little professional business for a bit and I couldn't keep up the blog.  Let's face it...you aren't important, and I am.  I got my BS in HR Management.  That's right...I use the "R" word and I fired people who use it.  We're a foul bunch, you really have no idea.

In the mean time, my maid/cook/wife just lost 100 pounds and I haven't; and now the little fuck-trophy is 2 and a half.  You're up to date.

There...now go walk 2 miles.  WALK!  You've got nowhere to be!

Loss

There are often situations in one's life that can detract from one's goals.  I recently had a...slight misfortune, we'll call it...during the course of this last week.  I'm still suffering from it to be quite frank.  It's not fucking fair.  Life took a dump on me and now I'm covered in more shit than the bitches in that two-girls-one-cup video.

I didn't want to do anything.  I still don't.  I want to curl up in a ball while wearing my Scooby Doo pajamas and tell the world to get fucked.  But, I cant.  I've got too many people depending on me to get shit done.  Work, school, wife, fuck-trophy.  So, I must persevere.

So, what does one do when that shit is stacked against them like the Great Wall of China...without the dead bodies and angry Mongorrians on the other side.

You do it for the cause.  You can run for the kids in Africa, or lupus - it's always lupus, or DIABEETUS.  You can run for yourself.  You can run for those you lost.  You can run to forget.

Take your time to mourn.  You got this.  You're retards after all.

Weekend schedule:
Saturday - 3 miles
Sunday - 3 miles
Monday - REMEMBER TO REST!

Oops and an update

Holy fuckfarts, I totally spaced out.  If you're paying attention, here's the schedule for the weekend.

Saturday: 2 miles
Sunday: 5 miles

It seems daunting, but you can fucking do it!  Get outside, get retarded, and get to it!

The rain - definitely, definitely, the rain.

Definitely rain.  There's no better retard than the Rain Man for today's discussion.  Have you ever been so fucking gung-ho about getting your ass out to run that come hell or high water you're going to do it.  You could look right into the face of God and be like, "Fuck you, God; get out of my way!  I'm running!"  And he's all, "Fuck you, no!" And tries to smite you, but he misses, because of your retard fast energy legs!

Yeah, well we here in Phoenix have these Middle-East wanna-be bastards called haboobs.  In other words, a huge fucking dust storm.  Well, I looked right into God's face, and I'm like, "Fuck you, God!"  And then he threw a huge cloud of dust at me...  And I'm all, "I SAID FUCK YOU, GOD!" and BAM! I punched that dirt cloud right in the goddamned eye and kept fucking running.

Think of it as an obstacle.  Something big to overcome that people are like, "You fucking ran in THAT?  Plus it was 154 degrees outside!!  Are you retarded?"  And you can look them square in the nostrils and say, "Yes, yes I am."

What are you doing this weekend?  Not that I fucking care...  oh, wait.  You want the schedule.  You aren't paying attention to me anyway, assclowns.  What do you care?  OK, fine...HERE!  Faggots.

FRIDAY:  REST!
Saturday: 2 miles
Sunday: 4 miles.  WOO!!!  It's easy.  Think of it was 15 minutes per mile...and that's reasonably slow.  Block off an hour of time, and you got this.  Did you ever think you'd go and run for an hour...four miles?  You're a fucking mutant.  AN ANIMAL!  DO IT!

Surprise!!!

It's not the kind of surprise where a pair of perky titties jump out of a cake.  No, this is like a shit sandwich.  Or, for you running tards who are really getting into the swing of things, a milestone.

If you've never run a 5K before, now is your chance.  This Sunday, at a time of your choosing, you are going to run 3.1 miles.  Best part?  You don't get a medal for it.  You're not running for cystic fibrosis or lupus or AIDS or explosive West Nile with a side of SARS.  So what do you do to celebrate your accomplishment?

You should ALWAYS have something encouraging at the end of a triumph, even if you've done it 9 times before.  Me?  I have a fruit infused beer.  Before you call me a fag, it's like wine, champagne, and beer mixed into one epic drink...and it costs $14 per bottle.  But, I earned it, so fuck you as I say with a giant 7-incher in my gob!  What should you do?  Smoke a nice thick stogie, get a blow job (or the female equivalent) and just sit there, have a craft beer, grill a huge fucking t-bone and be sure to cook it no more done than medium-rare, go to the tittie bar and make it rain.  Celebrate in a way to make it special for YOU.  It's your fucking accomplishment and don't pussy foot around.  Live.  It.  Up.

Schedule: In case you need a reminder you addle-minded simpletons, Friday: REST
Saturday: 25 minute run/walk
Sunday: 3.1 miles - I don't care how you do it, just finish!

Next week it's nothing but distance!

Two last things for a final thought: how the fuck do you track 3.1 miles without equipment?  Google maps + Google labs (the gear looking thing in the top right corner) + Distance Measurement Tool.  Lay it out to 3.1 and go do it.  Final thought?  Go fuck yourself and congratulations, you mongoloid bastards.

Are you serious?

I mean it.  Are you serious?  Serious about what you're doing, is what I mean.

For example, how many people have you told that you are training for a marathon?  If you told even a single one: you are a marathoner.  Have you started looking at running blogs (besides this one) for tips and tricks and how to improve your running style?  You are a marathoner.  Have you gone shoe shopping specifically for running shoes and did you tell the 17-year old fuckknob you needed them because were training for a marathon?  You are a marathoner.

If you are not this serious after the first month.  It's time to rethink your approach.  Hate running?  What's the problem?  If you run the same pattern everyday, you're going to burn out.  Take a new route, get some new scenery under your eyeballs, keep the brain busy.  Feet hurt?  You HAVE to keep going to build up the tolerance.  It's going to hurt.  Can't find the time?  Wake up early and hit the pavement before it gets hotter than Satan's taint or wait until it's a little darker and try a moonlit run in a lighted area...you know, so you don't get raped...unless you're into that thing.

You've got some very auspicious goals this week.  You're going to do something monumental, at least if it's nothing you've ever done before, but I'll tell you Thursday or Friday.  This weekend is going to be fucking HUGE for you retards.

Monday: REST

Tuesday: 25 minute walk/run (last week of this, then we go for distance all the time, every time)

Wednesday: 40 minute walk/run (more walk than run)

Thursday: 25 minute walk/run

Friday: REST

P.S. I reread the last post...  fuck these typos.  I'm so sorry for making you read that.