As explained earlier for those of you who have bothered to pay attention this long, AKA my dedicated readers (seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you?), you know that I reside a fresh, dirty hell known as Phoenix, Arizona. Not only am I a marathoner, but I'm also an agent of running death.
This week, weatherbug is telling me that it's going to be a hundred and fucking seventeen degrees on Wednesday. 117?! This makes me want to leave my air conditioned house as much as Muammar Gaddafi wants to leave Lybia. Do I REALLY feel like running outside in that? Fuck you, no, and thank you.
What to do? Honesty, treadmills aren't great for distance running because it takes some SERIOUS mental fortitude. Plus, I get bored looking at the same hot piece of ass in yoga pants...I'm not getting any closer to it, am I? Back to the point, in this case the treadmill just might be OK. You retards need to remember you're doing something that has LITERALLY KILLED PEOPLE. Perfectly healthy 20-30 year olds, flopping down dead on the pavement due to strain, water intoxication, or rogue sniper. Remember how hot the pavement is too...they fall, they become hamburgers on a flat grill.
Keep cool, run in the shade or maybe an indoor track to keep up with your normal running regimen. Running early in the morning helps, also.
Also, the Laveen 5K, click for location and more information. I'll see you there. I'll likely even be sporting something so you know who I am and can punch me in the neck for being so flippant and "intolerant." Whining assfaggots.
SCHEDULE!!!
MONDAY: REST
TUESDAY: 2 miles
WEDNESDAY: 3 miles
THURSDAY: 2 miles
FRIDAY: REST
Showing posts with label weather. Show all posts
Showing posts with label weather. Show all posts
Monday, August 22, 2011
Friday, August 19, 2011
The rain - definitely, definitely, the rain.
Definitely rain. There's no better retard than the Rain Man for today's discussion. Have you ever been so fucking gung-ho about getting your ass out to run that come hell or high water you're going to do it. You could look right into the face of God and be like, "Fuck you, God; get out of my way! I'm running!" And he's all, "Fuck you, no!" And tries to smite you, but he misses, because of your retard fast energy legs!
Yeah, well we here in Phoenix have these Middle-East wanna-be bastards called haboobs. In other words, a huge fucking dust storm. Well, I looked right into God's face, and I'm like, "Fuck you, God!" And then he threw a huge cloud of dust at me... And I'm all, "I SAID FUCK YOU, GOD!" and BAM! I punched that dirt cloud right in the goddamned eye and kept fucking running.
Think of it as an obstacle. Something big to overcome that people are like, "You fucking ran in THAT? Plus it was 154 degrees outside!! Are you retarded?" And you can look them square in the nostrils and say, "Yes, yes I am."
What are you doing this weekend? Not that I fucking care... oh, wait. You want the schedule. You aren't paying attention to me anyway, assclowns. What do you care? OK, fine...HERE! Faggots.
FRIDAY: REST!
Saturday: 2 miles
Sunday: 4 miles. WOO!!! It's easy. Think of it was 15 minutes per mile...and that's reasonably slow. Block off an hour of time, and you got this. Did you ever think you'd go and run for an hour...four miles? You're a fucking mutant. AN ANIMAL! DO IT!
Yeah, well we here in Phoenix have these Middle-East wanna-be bastards called haboobs. In other words, a huge fucking dust storm. Well, I looked right into God's face, and I'm like, "Fuck you, God!" And then he threw a huge cloud of dust at me... And I'm all, "I SAID FUCK YOU, GOD!" and BAM! I punched that dirt cloud right in the goddamned eye and kept fucking running.
Think of it as an obstacle. Something big to overcome that people are like, "You fucking ran in THAT? Plus it was 154 degrees outside!! Are you retarded?" And you can look them square in the nostrils and say, "Yes, yes I am."
What are you doing this weekend? Not that I fucking care... oh, wait. You want the schedule. You aren't paying attention to me anyway, assclowns. What do you care? OK, fine...HERE! Faggots.
FRIDAY: REST!
Saturday: 2 miles
Sunday: 4 miles. WOO!!! It's easy. Think of it was 15 minutes per mile...and that's reasonably slow. Block off an hour of time, and you got this. Did you ever think you'd go and run for an hour...four miles? You're a fucking mutant. AN ANIMAL! DO IT!
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
The temp is too damn high!
No seriously. Through the month of July you crazy retarded bastards have been walking in 110+ degree weather in some cases. You are truly retarded. You may have even tried to do your walks/runs at 10PM that night, only to find it's hotter outside than it is in an oven (that one was for my Jewish followers!).
What is a dedicated retard like yourself to do?
I'll tell you what to do! You can go in the early mornings for one. The temps are significantly cooler given the fact it's been dark and temps are consistently dropping throughout the night. If you're lucky, it's only 85 at 6 in the goddamned morning.
Not a morning person? Think about it... You're only going to be gone for a half and hour or so at a time. Take a cold damp washcloth and put it your skull. "But my hair will get wet..." Fucking seriously? You're not showering afterwards? No taint teasing for you later. "But the water will drip down my back and it will be cold..." I will rape you a rake. Your body should be dripping with sweat. "But..." You're making excuses. DON'T DO THAT!
Today is your midrun. It's not the lowrun (M, Th, Sat), it's not your bigrun (Sun). You're going to go a distance comfortably between the two. Pay attention because this terminology is going to stick. Memorize it, faggots! 35 minutes in a combination of running and walking. Remember to push through any feelings of tiredness. You can rest when your dead! ...after I tap that ass with my rake.
What is a dedicated retard like yourself to do?
I'll tell you what to do! You can go in the early mornings for one. The temps are significantly cooler given the fact it's been dark and temps are consistently dropping throughout the night. If you're lucky, it's only 85 at 6 in the goddamned morning.
Not a morning person? Think about it... You're only going to be gone for a half and hour or so at a time. Take a cold damp washcloth and put it your skull. "But my hair will get wet..." Fucking seriously? You're not showering afterwards? No taint teasing for you later. "But the water will drip down my back and it will be cold..." I will rape you a rake. Your body should be dripping with sweat. "But..." You're making excuses. DON'T DO THAT!
Today is your midrun. It's not the lowrun (M, Th, Sat), it's not your bigrun (Sun). You're going to go a distance comfortably between the two. Pay attention because this terminology is going to stick. Memorize it, faggots! 35 minutes in a combination of running and walking. Remember to push through any feelings of tiredness. You can rest when your dead! ...after I tap that ass with my rake.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Rocky start
Yesterday you should have walked for 20 minutes. How did you know you were supposed to do that, right? I didn't tell you! Chances are you haven't read a damned thing about running and that's OK.
Considering this is a Phoenix-based blog (for now), it's very likely you encountered a haboob during your walk. Maybe you're lucky this is being postponed to today. Who cares? Wear some sunglasses and a bandana when you leave the house - I hear it's the "in" thing these days...all the cool kids are doing it.
Today, your goal is to walk another 20 minutes. You are not aiming for distance or a good time trial. You are simply putting your fat left leg in front your fat right right leg. You should manage to walk between one mile and a mile and a half. Also, it doesn't matter when you do it, just do it.
Your tip for today: HYDRATE! Water is like body fuel, your body needs it to keep going. Even if it's "only" 20 minutes, just grab the damned water bottle since you'll be carrying one on your longer walks/runs. Plus...it's not like the extra weight is going to slow you down.
Considering this is a Phoenix-based blog (for now), it's very likely you encountered a haboob during your walk. Maybe you're lucky this is being postponed to today. Who cares? Wear some sunglasses and a bandana when you leave the house - I hear it's the "in" thing these days...all the cool kids are doing it.
Today, your goal is to walk another 20 minutes. You are not aiming for distance or a good time trial. You are simply putting your fat left leg in front your fat right right leg. You should manage to walk between one mile and a mile and a half. Also, it doesn't matter when you do it, just do it.
Your tip for today: HYDRATE! Water is like body fuel, your body needs it to keep going. Even if it's "only" 20 minutes, just grab the damned water bottle since you'll be carrying one on your longer walks/runs. Plus...it's not like the extra weight is going to slow you down.
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