The inspiration for this post comes from Momma Ivie over at mommaivie.blogspot.com. This bitch is a mom, and a recent post got me thinking...can you have your cake and eat it too?
The simple answer, yes. HOWEVER, be prepared for an uphill battle. Myself? I'm a social smoker. I'm the douchecanoe you'll see at a party smoking something hip like a clove or a cheap cigar. The day after I smoke, I find it hard to breathe after a simple mile of half-assed jogging. I have no clever story to go with this, I just can't breathe.
But, maybe it's different for you who smoke regularly. Is it easier to get past the shortness of breath? Tell me! I'm dying to know!
SCHEDULE FOR THIS WEEK!
Monday: Happy Labor Day - you working stiffs enjoy your day off!
Tuesday - 3 miles, get ready to gear up!
Wednesday - 4 miles
Thursday - 3 miles
Friday - A reminder today is a day off.
NEW ADDITION! HALF-MARATHON TRAINING SCHEDULE & SHORTENED MARATHON TRAINING SCHEDULE!
HALF-MARATHON:
Monday - You're resting like the rest of us. Heh, homonym...
Tuesday - Walk 20 minutes
Wednesday - Walk 30 minutes
Thursday - Walk 20 minutes
Friday - Rest!
MARATHON SHORTENED TRAINING: (maybe you weren't ready, but are now!)
Same as the half marathon above!
Remember, above all else, have fun. Get retarded about running!
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Showing posts with label motivation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label motivation. Show all posts
Monday, September 5, 2011
Friday, September 2, 2011
Loss
There are often situations in one's life that can detract from one's goals. I recently had a...slight misfortune, we'll call it...during the course of this last week. I'm still suffering from it to be quite frank. It's not fucking fair. Life took a dump on me and now I'm covered in more shit than the bitches in that two-girls-one-cup video.
I didn't want to do anything. I still don't. I want to curl up in a ball while wearing my Scooby Doo pajamas and tell the world to get fucked. But, I cant. I've got too many people depending on me to get shit done. Work, school, wife, fuck-trophy. So, I must persevere.
So, what does one do when that shit is stacked against them like the Great Wall of China...without the dead bodies and angry Mongorrians on the other side.
You do it for the cause. You can run for the kids in Africa, or lupus - it's always lupus, or DIABEETUS. You can run for yourself. You can run for those you lost. You can run to forget.
Take your time to mourn. You got this. You're retards after all.
Weekend schedule:
Saturday - 3 miles
Sunday - 3 miles
Monday - REMEMBER TO REST!
I didn't want to do anything. I still don't. I want to curl up in a ball while wearing my Scooby Doo pajamas and tell the world to get fucked. But, I cant. I've got too many people depending on me to get shit done. Work, school, wife, fuck-trophy. So, I must persevere.
So, what does one do when that shit is stacked against them like the Great Wall of China...without the dead bodies and angry Mongorrians on the other side.
You do it for the cause. You can run for the kids in Africa, or lupus - it's always lupus, or DIABEETUS. You can run for yourself. You can run for those you lost. You can run to forget.
Take your time to mourn. You got this. You're retards after all.
Weekend schedule:
Saturday - 3 miles
Sunday - 3 miles
Monday - REMEMBER TO REST!
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Car
On one of my weekend runs, I was blessed with a 10-mile jaunt. It wasn't too hot, probably around early November, so around 85 or so...goddamn you, Phoenix, AZ. I left in the afternoon, so I could have most of my evening to relax and do whateverthefuckitwas that I wanted.
In Phoenix, AZ there is nothing but sun nearly all the time. To be very honest, we almost never see clouds during the day, ever. That hot as balls star doesn't usually quit at any point in time - in fact, you can sunburn in January if you tried hard enough. My point? It fucking bright as balls outside.
A smart runner wears reflective gear so dumbfucks in their steel deathtraps who are more likely to hit-and-run than pay child support are less liable to hit you. I am a smart runner. Black shorts with reflective lines up and down the sides. A brightly colored shirt. Even reflective shoes! Oh, and I'm white. Cracker white. YOU WILL SEE ME, YOU WILL NOT HIT ME YOU HUMAN SHITSTAIN.
Some 17-yr old ghetto-brat in her daddy's Range Rover decides she wants Starbucks NOW, and I mean right fucking now! I'm jogging at this point approaching the turn in for the complex in which the glorious coffee dispensary is located. This flaming cunt of the south decides I am too unimportant to wait for and guns it into the complex. There is no waiting.
4 inches. That's the amount of space between the front of daddy's car and my statuesque legs. I came to a complete stop to let Ms. Bitchy McBitchface-Bitcherton into the complex without my leaving the imprint of my face/sweat/DNA on her driver's side window as I continue my forward-propelled direction.
The best part? I screamed. I screamed every obscenity and racial epithet I knew at her while those on the patio looked on in amazement at the vulgarity of my English. The result? I didn't feel any better. I didn't feel good about berating her and everything about her. But the ADRENALINE rush. Holy fuckballs, I felt like God. I felt like 3 Gods, Trigod, if you will. The last 6 miles of my run were easy and about a minute and a half faster.
Lesson: Before a big race, put out an ad on Craigslist to get someone to come attempt to hit you with their car. Protip: Make sure they fail.
Schedule!
MONDAY: Yesterday, yeah...I hope you rested.
TUESDAY: 3 miles
WEDNESDAY: 3 miles
THURSDAY: 3 miles
FRIDAY: REST!
Looks like we're cutting back, right? We are! You just ran 5, if you've been following along, and that's huge. We're going to do ALL threes this week. Next week it gears up again! Enjoy!
In Phoenix, AZ there is nothing but sun nearly all the time. To be very honest, we almost never see clouds during the day, ever. That hot as balls star doesn't usually quit at any point in time - in fact, you can sunburn in January if you tried hard enough. My point? It fucking bright as balls outside.
A smart runner wears reflective gear so dumbfucks in their steel deathtraps who are more likely to hit-and-run than pay child support are less liable to hit you. I am a smart runner. Black shorts with reflective lines up and down the sides. A brightly colored shirt. Even reflective shoes! Oh, and I'm white. Cracker white. YOU WILL SEE ME, YOU WILL NOT HIT ME YOU HUMAN SHITSTAIN.
Some 17-yr old ghetto-brat in her daddy's Range Rover decides she wants Starbucks NOW, and I mean right fucking now! I'm jogging at this point approaching the turn in for the complex in which the glorious coffee dispensary is located. This flaming cunt of the south decides I am too unimportant to wait for and guns it into the complex. There is no waiting.
4 inches. That's the amount of space between the front of daddy's car and my statuesque legs. I came to a complete stop to let Ms. Bitchy McBitchface-Bitcherton into the complex without my leaving the imprint of my face/sweat/DNA on her driver's side window as I continue my forward-propelled direction.
The best part? I screamed. I screamed every obscenity and racial epithet I knew at her while those on the patio looked on in amazement at the vulgarity of my English. The result? I didn't feel any better. I didn't feel good about berating her and everything about her. But the ADRENALINE rush. Holy fuckballs, I felt like God. I felt like 3 Gods, Trigod, if you will. The last 6 miles of my run were easy and about a minute and a half faster.
Lesson: Before a big race, put out an ad on Craigslist to get someone to come attempt to hit you with their car. Protip: Make sure they fail.
Schedule!
MONDAY: Yesterday, yeah...I hope you rested.
TUESDAY: 3 miles
WEDNESDAY: 3 miles
THURSDAY: 3 miles
FRIDAY: REST!
Looks like we're cutting back, right? We are! You just ran 5, if you've been following along, and that's huge. We're going to do ALL threes this week. Next week it gears up again! Enjoy!
Monday, August 15, 2011
Refer a friend week!
Hey, fucktards. Happy fucking Monday. Seriously, this day can bite my ass, so I'll keep it brief.
Monday is a rest day, you all know that by now. If not, you should read my blog more often...douchecanoe...
BUT, you have homework. Today, call up a buddy, friend, pal, compadre, sex puppet, spouse, fuck buddy, or significant other and convince them to run with you. You could even take this week back to week one if you'd like to cater to them, just be sure to ramp it up a little quicker.
Here's the meaningful sappy bullshit. Your accomplishment will mean infinitely more to you if you were to share the moment with someone else. Your happy is their happy.
Otherwise, it's all distance this week. Nothing better than hitting the ground running!
Monday: in case you weren't paying attention, REST and FIND A BUDDY!
Tuesday: 2 miles
Wednesday: 3 miles (uh oh, what are we doing this weekend?)
Thursday: 2 miles
Friday: REST AGAIN
Here's hoping a flock of penises or vaginae (your call) find their way to your crotches by the end of the week.
Monday is a rest day, you all know that by now. If not, you should read my blog more often...douchecanoe...
BUT, you have homework. Today, call up a buddy, friend, pal, compadre, sex puppet, spouse, fuck buddy, or significant other and convince them to run with you. You could even take this week back to week one if you'd like to cater to them, just be sure to ramp it up a little quicker.
Here's the meaningful sappy bullshit. Your accomplishment will mean infinitely more to you if you were to share the moment with someone else. Your happy is their happy.
Otherwise, it's all distance this week. Nothing better than hitting the ground running!
Monday: in case you weren't paying attention, REST and FIND A BUDDY!
Tuesday: 2 miles
Wednesday: 3 miles (uh oh, what are we doing this weekend?)
Thursday: 2 miles
Friday: REST AGAIN
Here's hoping a flock of penises or vaginae (your call) find their way to your crotches by the end of the week.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Surprise!!!
It's not the kind of surprise where a pair of perky titties jump out of a cake. No, this is like a shit sandwich. Or, for you running tards who are really getting into the swing of things, a milestone.
If you've never run a 5K before, now is your chance. This Sunday, at a time of your choosing, you are going to run 3.1 miles. Best part? You don't get a medal for it. You're not running for cystic fibrosis or lupus or AIDS or explosive West Nile with a side of SARS. So what do you do to celebrate your accomplishment?
You should ALWAYS have something encouraging at the end of a triumph, even if you've done it 9 times before. Me? I have a fruit infused beer. Before you call me a fag, it's like wine, champagne, and beer mixed into one epic drink...and it costs $14 per bottle. But, I earned it, so fuck you as I say with a giant 7-incher in my gob! What should you do? Smoke a nice thick stogie, get a blow job (or the female equivalent) and just sit there, have a craft beer, grill a huge fucking t-bone and be sure to cook it no more done than medium-rare, go to the tittie bar and make it rain. Celebrate in a way to make it special for YOU. It's your fucking accomplishment and don't pussy foot around. Live. It. Up.
Schedule: In case you need a reminder you addle-minded simpletons, Friday: REST
Saturday: 25 minute run/walk
Sunday: 3.1 miles - I don't care how you do it, just finish!
Next week it's nothing but distance!
Two last things for a final thought: how the fuck do you track 3.1 miles without equipment? Google maps + Google labs (the gear looking thing in the top right corner) + Distance Measurement Tool. Lay it out to 3.1 and go do it. Final thought? Go fuck yourself and congratulations, you mongoloid bastards.
If you've never run a 5K before, now is your chance. This Sunday, at a time of your choosing, you are going to run 3.1 miles. Best part? You don't get a medal for it. You're not running for cystic fibrosis or lupus or AIDS or explosive West Nile with a side of SARS. So what do you do to celebrate your accomplishment?
You should ALWAYS have something encouraging at the end of a triumph, even if you've done it 9 times before. Me? I have a fruit infused beer. Before you call me a fag, it's like wine, champagne, and beer mixed into one epic drink...and it costs $14 per bottle. But, I earned it, so fuck you as I say with a giant 7-incher in my gob! What should you do? Smoke a nice thick stogie, get a blow job (or the female equivalent) and just sit there, have a craft beer, grill a huge fucking t-bone and be sure to cook it no more done than medium-rare, go to the tittie bar and make it rain. Celebrate in a way to make it special for YOU. It's your fucking accomplishment and don't pussy foot around. Live. It. Up.
Schedule: In case you need a reminder you addle-minded simpletons, Friday: REST
Saturday: 25 minute run/walk
Sunday: 3.1 miles - I don't care how you do it, just finish!
Next week it's nothing but distance!
Two last things for a final thought: how the fuck do you track 3.1 miles without equipment? Google maps + Google labs (the gear looking thing in the top right corner) + Distance Measurement Tool. Lay it out to 3.1 and go do it. Final thought? Go fuck yourself and congratulations, you mongoloid bastards.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Are you serious?
I mean it. Are you serious? Serious about what you're doing, is what I mean.
For example, how many people have you told that you are training for a marathon? If you told even a single one: you are a marathoner. Have you started looking at running blogs (besides this one) for tips and tricks and how to improve your running style? You are a marathoner. Have you gone shoe shopping specifically for running shoes and did you tell the 17-year old fuckknob you needed them because were training for a marathon? You are a marathoner.
If you are not this serious after the first month. It's time to rethink your approach. Hate running? What's the problem? If you run the same pattern everyday, you're going to burn out. Take a new route, get some new scenery under your eyeballs, keep the brain busy. Feet hurt? You HAVE to keep going to build up the tolerance. It's going to hurt. Can't find the time? Wake up early and hit the pavement before it gets hotter than Satan's taint or wait until it's a little darker and try a moonlit run in a lighted area...you know, so you don't get raped...unless you're into that thing.
You've got some very auspicious goals this week. You're going to do something monumental, at least if it's nothing you've ever done before, but I'll tell you Thursday or Friday. This weekend is going to be fucking HUGE for you retards.
Monday: REST
Tuesday: 25 minute walk/run (last week of this, then we go for distance all the time, every time)
Wednesday: 40 minute walk/run (more walk than run)
Thursday: 25 minute walk/run
Friday: REST
P.S. I reread the last post... fuck these typos. I'm so sorry for making you read that.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
The temp is too damn high!
No seriously. Through the month of July you crazy retarded bastards have been walking in 110+ degree weather in some cases. You are truly retarded. You may have even tried to do your walks/runs at 10PM that night, only to find it's hotter outside than it is in an oven (that one was for my Jewish followers!).
What is a dedicated retard like yourself to do?
I'll tell you what to do! You can go in the early mornings for one. The temps are significantly cooler given the fact it's been dark and temps are consistently dropping throughout the night. If you're lucky, it's only 85 at 6 in the goddamned morning.
Not a morning person? Think about it... You're only going to be gone for a half and hour or so at a time. Take a cold damp washcloth and put it your skull. "But my hair will get wet..." Fucking seriously? You're not showering afterwards? No taint teasing for you later. "But the water will drip down my back and it will be cold..." I will rape you a rake. Your body should be dripping with sweat. "But..." You're making excuses. DON'T DO THAT!
Today is your midrun. It's not the lowrun (M, Th, Sat), it's not your bigrun (Sun). You're going to go a distance comfortably between the two. Pay attention because this terminology is going to stick. Memorize it, faggots! 35 minutes in a combination of running and walking. Remember to push through any feelings of tiredness. You can rest when your dead! ...after I tap that ass with my rake.
What is a dedicated retard like yourself to do?
I'll tell you what to do! You can go in the early mornings for one. The temps are significantly cooler given the fact it's been dark and temps are consistently dropping throughout the night. If you're lucky, it's only 85 at 6 in the goddamned morning.
Not a morning person? Think about it... You're only going to be gone for a half and hour or so at a time. Take a cold damp washcloth and put it your skull. "But my hair will get wet..." Fucking seriously? You're not showering afterwards? No taint teasing for you later. "But the water will drip down my back and it will be cold..." I will rape you a rake. Your body should be dripping with sweat. "But..." You're making excuses. DON'T DO THAT!
Today is your midrun. It's not the lowrun (M, Th, Sat), it's not your bigrun (Sun). You're going to go a distance comfortably between the two. Pay attention because this terminology is going to stick. Memorize it, faggots! 35 minutes in a combination of running and walking. Remember to push through any feelings of tiredness. You can rest when your dead! ...after I tap that ass with my rake.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Happy Friday!
And what a happy Friday it is! Why is Friday so good? Because it's the end of the workweek? Sure, why the fuck not...but really, it's all about the break time. Kick your feet up tonight and don't let them touch the pavement. You ain't doing shit today because it's a DAY OFF! Rest, play video games, eat, go see a movie, masturbate, milk a cow, beat your spouse - I don't care two rats' asses what you decide to do with your spare time. Enjoy it.
Now, I'm not going to update this stupid thing this weekend, and very likely not at all over the course of any weekends, so here's your schedule:
Saturday: walk for 25 minutes
Sunday: walk 2 miles
Now, I know what you're saying: "Hey, you fat fuck, what do you mean walk 2 miles?! We were dealing with TIME not DISTANCE!" I hear you retards out there, and let me tell you that for here, now, and forever your Sundays are your BIG distance days. We're going to change our schedule a teeny bit next week, too. Monday (since they blow goats anyway) will be the new day off. Studies show that people are more willing to accept a new task on the first day of the week...and now that I have you drooling bastards in my LASER SIGHTS I'm going to change things next week since you have tentatively established a habit. I will also post the ENTIRE week's schedule on Sunday night/Monday morning and will change the format here to more of a helping/tips/tricks/blowjobs layout.
My final thought: if you're dragging your feet and walking slowly, FUCKING STOP IT! Kick it up a notch. If you're not trying, you're dying.
Now, I'm not going to update this stupid thing this weekend, and very likely not at all over the course of any weekends, so here's your schedule:
Saturday: walk for 25 minutes
Sunday: walk 2 miles
Now, I know what you're saying: "Hey, you fat fuck, what do you mean walk 2 miles?! We were dealing with TIME not DISTANCE!" I hear you retards out there, and let me tell you that for here, now, and forever your Sundays are your BIG distance days. We're going to change our schedule a teeny bit next week, too. Monday (since they blow goats anyway) will be the new day off. Studies show that people are more willing to accept a new task on the first day of the week...and now that I have you drooling bastards in my LASER SIGHTS I'm going to change things next week since you have tentatively established a habit. I will also post the ENTIRE week's schedule on Sunday night/Monday morning and will change the format here to more of a helping/tips/tricks/blowjobs layout.
My final thought: if you're dragging your feet and walking slowly, FUCKING STOP IT! Kick it up a notch. If you're not trying, you're dying.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Offended?
Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot. Mind numbing, innit? If you got out and walked yesterday, good on ya! Do it again today, except this time, dumb it down to 20 minutes again. How's that for an incentive? You do awesome on Wednesday and you get to take it easy the day after. Pretty fucking rad if you ask me. That's your goal for today, clean and easy.
You're truly becoming a running retard! You are well on your way to becoming retarded for running. Feeling tired? Get your second wind and run retard strong! Fact: actual people who themselves are affected by some level of retardation (mental or physical) do not care about the word retard - it's people who aren't affected and think they're on some holy crusade to end all name-calling are those who don't like it. This, in turn, makes them retards. So...grab your sneakers and do something about it! Go full retard!
You're truly becoming a running retard! You are well on your way to becoming retarded for running. Feeling tired? Get your second wind and run retard strong! Fact: actual people who themselves are affected by some level of retardation (mental or physical) do not care about the word retard - it's people who aren't affected and think they're on some holy crusade to end all name-calling are those who don't like it. This, in turn, makes them retards. So...grab your sneakers and do something about it! Go full retard!
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