This is about running not dieting! Head on over to Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig. I don't know how you got here for help on dieting...maybe your Google is broken?
I'm not going to tell you what to eat...at least, not yet. Your best bet though, if I had to give you retards an inkling of advice - limit your cabs to less than 125 grams per day. As most of us age, our bodies don't process carbs like they used to. The result is excess sugars and excess fat. The best part? By limiting your carbs intake to this VERY modest amount, you'll feel less full during your walks! Less weight to carry and no belly protrusions causing you to lean forward. WIN WIN!
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Walking in your shoes
You've been walking an awful lot lately. In fact, if you took a large step back an analyzed what you've done so far, you should be look at approximately a little over five miles. Can you believe soon you're going to be doing that in one day? I didn't think that thought even entered your minds. Next week, you'll be walk-running your fist 5k. I'll sit here and let that stew for a moment...
Done?
OK. You aren't going to make it you're fucking up your feet with every step you take. Now you can go somewhere and have some 17-year old pigfucker "analyze" your gait and try and sell you a $150 pair of shoes it cost a Korean kid 12 cents to make, OR you can pay some goddamned attention to yourself.
Walk for a little while. Don't walk "proper" - walk like you always have. Now look at yourself, man!
Do the balls of your feet touch the ground early (do you walk like a velociraptor?)
Do you step flat-footed like Neanderthal Man across the plains while hunting and gathering?
Does your heel hit first then you roll your feet all the way to your toes as a marching band flunkie would do?
Do you put more pressure on your left than your right because you were built in God's image and that image is LOPSIDED?
And above all else, does it hurt when you walk? Not like you're dreadfully obese and the pressure actually causes pain because of your enormous bulkitude, but are you getting blisters or do your toes hurt or maybe your heel?
I can't tell you exactly how to fix it, but maybe you are walking/running "wrong." In this same vein, there is no "right," either. Only you know what is going to work for you, but above all else you should not hurt. Being a marathoner is a fucking brutal hobby to pick up (seriously, were you out of stamps or coins?) but being a marathoner that is deliberately and ignorantly hurting themselves is downright retarded.
This week, and especially today on your 25 minute WALK (you'll run next week, be patient), pay attention to how you walk and if you experience pain. Make strides (FUCKING PUNNY, BITCHES!!!) to endure NO pain when you walk. Questions on how to get that done? There's a comments section below - but you all don't know that because I've only seen one fucking comment. This is about community, you mouth-breathers!
Done?
OK. You aren't going to make it you're fucking up your feet with every step you take. Now you can go somewhere and have some 17-year old pigfucker "analyze" your gait and try and sell you a $150 pair of shoes it cost a Korean kid 12 cents to make, OR you can pay some goddamned attention to yourself.
Walk for a little while. Don't walk "proper" - walk like you always have. Now look at yourself, man!
Do the balls of your feet touch the ground early (do you walk like a velociraptor?)
Do you step flat-footed like Neanderthal Man across the plains while hunting and gathering?
Does your heel hit first then you roll your feet all the way to your toes as a marching band flunkie would do?
Do you put more pressure on your left than your right because you were built in God's image and that image is LOPSIDED?
And above all else, does it hurt when you walk? Not like you're dreadfully obese and the pressure actually causes pain because of your enormous bulkitude, but are you getting blisters or do your toes hurt or maybe your heel?
I can't tell you exactly how to fix it, but maybe you are walking/running "wrong." In this same vein, there is no "right," either. Only you know what is going to work for you, but above all else you should not hurt. Being a marathoner is a fucking brutal hobby to pick up (seriously, were you out of stamps or coins?) but being a marathoner that is deliberately and ignorantly hurting themselves is downright retarded.
This week, and especially today on your 25 minute WALK (you'll run next week, be patient), pay attention to how you walk and if you experience pain. Make strides (FUCKING PUNNY, BITCHES!!!) to endure NO pain when you walk. Questions on how to get that done? There's a comments section below - but you all don't know that because I've only seen one fucking comment. This is about community, you mouth-breathers!
Monday, July 25, 2011
Monday, fuckers!
You were supposed to walk 2 miles yesterday. You didn't. I know. Don't worry, though, it's fine. I didn't want to see you on marathon day. You know a marathon is on some old guy's bucket list, right? Some monumental (emphasis on the mental) accomplishment that only the stalwart can accomplish? You go ahead and sit on the couch, fuck off, and die. I'm not here to help YOU, I'm here to help marathoners, runners, finishers, and at the very least doers.
For the rest of you that actually did something with contacting your feet to the pavement for a couple miles, it's time for you to do nothing. Stay active if you can, keep your body moderately active, and DON'T RUN! You'll have plenty of time for that...next week. SURPRISE, BITCHES! Here's your schedule for the next week:
Monday: REST, I just fucking said it, don't make me repeat myself
Tuesday: walk 25 min
Wednesday: walk 35 min
Thursday: walk 25 min
Friday: REST AGAIN!
Saturday: walk 25 min
Sunday: walk 2.5 miles!
If I see my traffic dip I'm going to post only a few days at a time so you mental fuckers keep coming back. Because, let's face it, this marathon may be the stupidest thing you'll ever do. Tomorrow, some tips to make sure you asshats finish.
For the rest of you that actually did something with contacting your feet to the pavement for a couple miles, it's time for you to do nothing. Stay active if you can, keep your body moderately active, and DON'T RUN! You'll have plenty of time for that...next week. SURPRISE, BITCHES! Here's your schedule for the next week:
Monday: REST, I just fucking said it, don't make me repeat myself
Tuesday: walk 25 min
Wednesday: walk 35 min
Thursday: walk 25 min
Friday: REST AGAIN!
Saturday: walk 25 min
Sunday: walk 2.5 miles!
If I see my traffic dip I'm going to post only a few days at a time so you mental fuckers keep coming back. Because, let's face it, this marathon may be the stupidest thing you'll ever do. Tomorrow, some tips to make sure you asshats finish.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Happy Friday!
And what a happy Friday it is! Why is Friday so good? Because it's the end of the workweek? Sure, why the fuck not...but really, it's all about the break time. Kick your feet up tonight and don't let them touch the pavement. You ain't doing shit today because it's a DAY OFF! Rest, play video games, eat, go see a movie, masturbate, milk a cow, beat your spouse - I don't care two rats' asses what you decide to do with your spare time. Enjoy it.
Now, I'm not going to update this stupid thing this weekend, and very likely not at all over the course of any weekends, so here's your schedule:
Saturday: walk for 25 minutes
Sunday: walk 2 miles
Now, I know what you're saying: "Hey, you fat fuck, what do you mean walk 2 miles?! We were dealing with TIME not DISTANCE!" I hear you retards out there, and let me tell you that for here, now, and forever your Sundays are your BIG distance days. We're going to change our schedule a teeny bit next week, too. Monday (since they blow goats anyway) will be the new day off. Studies show that people are more willing to accept a new task on the first day of the week...and now that I have you drooling bastards in my LASER SIGHTS I'm going to change things next week since you have tentatively established a habit. I will also post the ENTIRE week's schedule on Sunday night/Monday morning and will change the format here to more of a helping/tips/tricks/blowjobs layout.
My final thought: if you're dragging your feet and walking slowly, FUCKING STOP IT! Kick it up a notch. If you're not trying, you're dying.
Now, I'm not going to update this stupid thing this weekend, and very likely not at all over the course of any weekends, so here's your schedule:
Saturday: walk for 25 minutes
Sunday: walk 2 miles
Now, I know what you're saying: "Hey, you fat fuck, what do you mean walk 2 miles?! We were dealing with TIME not DISTANCE!" I hear you retards out there, and let me tell you that for here, now, and forever your Sundays are your BIG distance days. We're going to change our schedule a teeny bit next week, too. Monday (since they blow goats anyway) will be the new day off. Studies show that people are more willing to accept a new task on the first day of the week...and now that I have you drooling bastards in my LASER SIGHTS I'm going to change things next week since you have tentatively established a habit. I will also post the ENTIRE week's schedule on Sunday night/Monday morning and will change the format here to more of a helping/tips/tricks/blowjobs layout.
My final thought: if you're dragging your feet and walking slowly, FUCKING STOP IT! Kick it up a notch. If you're not trying, you're dying.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Offended?
Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot. Mind numbing, innit? If you got out and walked yesterday, good on ya! Do it again today, except this time, dumb it down to 20 minutes again. How's that for an incentive? You do awesome on Wednesday and you get to take it easy the day after. Pretty fucking rad if you ask me. That's your goal for today, clean and easy.
You're truly becoming a running retard! You are well on your way to becoming retarded for running. Feeling tired? Get your second wind and run retard strong! Fact: actual people who themselves are affected by some level of retardation (mental or physical) do not care about the word retard - it's people who aren't affected and think they're on some holy crusade to end all name-calling are those who don't like it. This, in turn, makes them retards. So...grab your sneakers and do something about it! Go full retard!
You're truly becoming a running retard! You are well on your way to becoming retarded for running. Feeling tired? Get your second wind and run retard strong! Fact: actual people who themselves are affected by some level of retardation (mental or physical) do not care about the word retard - it's people who aren't affected and think they're on some holy crusade to end all name-calling are those who don't like it. This, in turn, makes them retards. So...grab your sneakers and do something about it! Go full retard!
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Rocky start part 2
Eventually, I'm going to get a hold of this blogging thing. In the mean time, I'll tell you what you should have done yesterday. NOTHING! Abso-fucking-lutely nothing! Did you enjoy yourself? Good! If by chance you happened to find yourself meandering aimlessly in and around your neighborhood last night, today is your break day. Don't do a thing!
For the rest of you that didn't do shit yesterday, time to get your fat asses out the fucking door again! Put down the twinkie (shit, I don't care if you take it with you - this is about moving, not eating. Eating comes later!) and get outside.
Here's the thing about Wednesdays: they're longer - usually about half as long as your weekend run/walk, except for the first few weeks. Today you will find yourself walking a brisk walk for 35 minutes. And don't try to hulk out and walk for an hour. The goal today is 35 minutes and the last thing you want to do is injure yourself or suffer from early burn out. 35! No more, and sure as hell not less. The goal is ALWAYS to FINISH.
For the rest of you that didn't do shit yesterday, time to get your fat asses out the fucking door again! Put down the twinkie (shit, I don't care if you take it with you - this is about moving, not eating. Eating comes later!) and get outside.
Here's the thing about Wednesdays: they're longer - usually about half as long as your weekend run/walk, except for the first few weeks. Today you will find yourself walking a brisk walk for 35 minutes. And don't try to hulk out and walk for an hour. The goal today is 35 minutes and the last thing you want to do is injure yourself or suffer from early burn out. 35! No more, and sure as hell not less. The goal is ALWAYS to FINISH.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Rocky start
Yesterday you should have walked for 20 minutes. How did you know you were supposed to do that, right? I didn't tell you! Chances are you haven't read a damned thing about running and that's OK.
Considering this is a Phoenix-based blog (for now), it's very likely you encountered a haboob during your walk. Maybe you're lucky this is being postponed to today. Who cares? Wear some sunglasses and a bandana when you leave the house - I hear it's the "in" thing these days...all the cool kids are doing it.
Today, your goal is to walk another 20 minutes. You are not aiming for distance or a good time trial. You are simply putting your fat left leg in front your fat right right leg. You should manage to walk between one mile and a mile and a half. Also, it doesn't matter when you do it, just do it.
Your tip for today: HYDRATE! Water is like body fuel, your body needs it to keep going. Even if it's "only" 20 minutes, just grab the damned water bottle since you'll be carrying one on your longer walks/runs. Plus...it's not like the extra weight is going to slow you down.
Considering this is a Phoenix-based blog (for now), it's very likely you encountered a haboob during your walk. Maybe you're lucky this is being postponed to today. Who cares? Wear some sunglasses and a bandana when you leave the house - I hear it's the "in" thing these days...all the cool kids are doing it.
Today, your goal is to walk another 20 minutes. You are not aiming for distance or a good time trial. You are simply putting your fat left leg in front your fat right right leg. You should manage to walk between one mile and a mile and a half. Also, it doesn't matter when you do it, just do it.
Your tip for today: HYDRATE! Water is like body fuel, your body needs it to keep going. Even if it's "only" 20 minutes, just grab the damned water bottle since you'll be carrying one on your longer walks/runs. Plus...it's not like the extra weight is going to slow you down.
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